The Student News Site of Saint Xavier High School

Hypothetical Teacher Fight Night

May 8, 2023

The hypothetical fight night idea was brought in by none other than Mr. Schweitzer himself. He thought it would be a hilarious idea to see who the students thought was the ‘top dog’ of the teachers in a hypothetical fighting situation after his daughter, who is also a teacher, told him about the same debate happening in her school. 

Rules are simple. Cage fight with no weapons. Fighting ends when someone taps out. Advantage goes to the experienced. 

Submit your your bracket entries for round one by clicking here, or scan the QR code below…

  1. Knable- 1 seed – All-around superstar. Young, agile, and a stud wrestler. Knable is not playing games. The dude doesn’t rest; he literally forgot how to. He trains through rain, snow, and hail. Knable is a heavy favorite, and the only thing that can stop him is injury, which is nearly impossible.
  2. Tronzo- 2 seed – As a self-proclaimed meathead, it is rumored that Tronzo can rip his opponent into two different parts like the Incredible Hulk — not what his opponents want to hear. Plus, he is bald, so no hair can be grabbed, which is definitely a strength.
  3. Bruner- 3 seed – He may look intimidating, but this defensive coordinator is a big teddy bear off of the field. However, on the field is a different story. When Coach Bruner steps on the field, he means business and is always searching for vengeance, which earns him the three seed. 
  4. McCormick- 4 seed – Heavy hitter. People’s man. Young and agile, but relatively short with an even shorter wingspan.
  5. Kraeszig – 5 seed – Nice guy outside of the octagon, different story inside. Kraeszig has two distinct advantages: bald (no hair can be pulled) and he is a former wrestler. People underestimate this gentle soul, but that could change quickly.
  6. Brockman- 6 seed – This six versus eleven seed matchup is what it’s all about. Hilbert vs Brockman, Jordan vs Lebron, Yankees vs Red Sox — the biggest rivalries in sports history. Although he’s old and short, Brockman’s football history is what channels his angry side and what ultimately gives him the six seed.
  7. Ashby- 7 seed – He has a huge frame, but maybe he’s too nice? Not in the octagon. “Steverino” bases his fighting off of Mike Tyson, which his build allows him to do. 
  8. Frank- 8 seed – This pumpkin picking Connecticut College lax alumnus is prepared to fight. Frank’s northern roots have instilled a toughness that many of the other fighters know nothing about. 
  9. Lyons- 9 seed – Coach Lyons is the Teacher of the Year and, back in his day, set multiple records at Kentucky Wesleyan, landing him in their Hall of Fame. Is he done yet? Absolutely not.
  10. Stemle- 10 seed – Nate “The Tank” Stemle is not only an English and journalism teacher but some compare his musical talents to the guitarist Slash. He isn’t afraid to get down and dirty and is fully willing to pull hair, scratch and pinch.
  11. Hilbert -11 seed – An ACT prep master, Hilbert is not messing around. Former division three college baseball star and he once even taught Justin Thomas in golf. Talk about a résumé… Hilbert’s weakness is that he might not want it enough.
  12. Schweitzer – 12 seed – This man might be inspiring, but he will also tear you down with his sarcastic comments. He is the mind that created this tournament, so props to him. 
  13. Bader – 13 seed – Bader is the definition of Mr. Nice Guy. This could end up shooting himself in the foot. He seems to have an inner grizzly bear, and he will need it to make it through this tournament. 
  14. Walsh- 14 seed – An experienced veteran who is coming off of an injury last year. This is not stopping him though. Expect the Comeback Player of the Year Award to come to this man, and who knows, he may make a run in this tournament. 
  15. Bornschein – 15 seed – This music festival fanatic will sing a melody to lure his opponent into not taking him seriously, and that’s when he’ll strike. Talk about a dark horse of the tournament. 
  16. Señor Salomon- 16 seed – Señor might be one of the most underrated opponents in the tournament. As the star of the boxing promo for the Trinity football game, he will show whether those skills translate to this environment. He could easily distract opponents with his meowing, but his only downside is his relatively below average reach.

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