Like everyone else, I drive in the only acceptable and correct way. Everyone else habitually makes errors and refuses to aptly apologize for them. I, however, have never been wrong and have only been put in bad situations based on the overwhelming incompetence that dominates the road today. Due to the sheer lack of ability I see, I have compiled a list of peeves I have with the modern driving scene. Avoiding these simple mistakes will make you, the reader, a much better driver.
STOP USING THAT HORN
When I am driving, I have LCD Soundsystem or Metallica blaring at levels that would cause an average medieval peasant’s ear drums to rot; do not distract me with that horn. If you think I’ve cut you off, I haven’t – don’t use that horn. If you think I’ve run through a stop sign, I haven’t – don’t use that horn. The most egregious culprits are those cars that think they’re so important that they have lights on them. Somehow, the general population has been deceived by their arrogance too, as they routinely get out of the way of these cars. But it is the worst when I am minding my own business, driving down the road, and I hear this boxy car trailing me honking with the force of a thousand suns trying to get me to move. Well, that ain’t happening. Long story short, keep that horn to yourself. I have full right to use it because, as we’ve determined, I have never been wrong.
Those Thin White Stripes Down the Side of My Car
For whatever reason, people continually try to “decorate” my car, making it look like a zebra. I appreciate everyone’s stylistic input, but please stop – it is getting really annoying. I can’t quite pinpoint the reason, but every time I park in one of those good spots with the cool wheelchair decal, it happens with a greater frequency. I guess people are mad I got to the good spots before them, but yeah of course I am going to get as close as I can. People nowadays don’t realize that I have places to be, I can’t sit around waiting for these cars to get out of my way. Nonetheless, please stop decorating my car. I love modern art, but I’d prefer if you did it to my neighbor’s house, not my car.
The Middle Finger
And I thought we were a society of respect. One of dignity. I guess not. So frequently I am driving and I check my mirrors and there is someone flicking me off. Was it COVID that caused this, people being inside so much that they forgot how to interact with one another? Maybe. Whatever it is, it needs to stop. The amount of times I see this happen is frankly astonishing. To build on that, I see so many thumbs down, too. These people must not know that I have never made a mistake. But, frankly, giving the middle finger or thumbs down to anybody is always wrong. I have permission to, but I rarely exercise it because, as previously hinted at, I am a man of high class.
Why Are Cars Blinking at Me?
I asked my mom this question, and she looked at me confused. I then explained that it typically happens at night on two lane roads. She said that maybe, my lights weren’t on. I knew that wasn’t true, though, because once it hits 5:30, I turn on those bright lights. Really, I’m trying to help everyone else out. I could use those less powerful lights that my car has, but why would I do that? It really doesn’t make any sense. If I could see more of the road, why wouldn’t I? Anyways, maybe we’ll never solve the mystery of why cars keep blinking at me. All I can say is this: if you are the one doing it, please stop. It is very distracting while I am trying to concentrate on the music I’m listening to. It hurts my eyes and is probably a safety risk.
If you, the reader, follow the simple tips outlined above, you will become a much more palatable driver. The key is this: thinking about what would make me happier at any given moment.
